september 7th, 2024
i'm not doing well in production at all. it feels like getting the three day weekend for labor fucked us over more than it helped because it just threw a wrench into the routine of what we had and i'm so overwhelmed with everything and nothing is making sense. i feel like (redacted) and (redacted) are constantly reconsidering if i should even be a lead. they haven't said anything but i can feel it. i've always thought (redacted) thought that i didn't fully deserve the position and frankly speaking, if she did, i don't know if i can blame her. i didn't work for it. that sense that i didn't earn it has always been there. i feel like i'm letting the team down. they're asking me for things to do and i can't tell them what to do because i don't know what to do, and any time i want to get on track of doing something, i can't stop finding little things that aren't perfect, so i have to stop everything and make it perfect first. i have remade the fucking folder system three fucking times. i constantly find something wrong with it and i can't just fix it when i see something it wrong - i have to restart. it's just the remnants of that old flaw will stick around if i don't fully deep clean it, scrubbing it off till it's nothing to start anew. i'm fucking losing my mind with this mentality that i have to start over or that it's gross and disgusting and i'm every restart, every mistake i find and curse my way back to square one - my team is sitting there, waiting for me to finish everything but i can't pull myself together to tell them that, because it sounds insane to go up to them and tell them i have to redo the file structure because the last one was contaminated, that's actually insane to say out loud. and i know that. but i still can't stop thinking it, and doing it all over again. it's september and i'm not even done with my bedroom because i'm restarting projects as soon as i find a flaw in them, and i don't know who to talk to about it because i genuinely cannot say these words out loud or people will think i'm crazy.
september 10th, 2024
i'm getting worse with the numeric stuff. i used to only twist the key in the main door key lock twice before being satisfied, but it just keeps getting higher and higher. it went to
you left the door unlocked
three, then five, and i'm on seven now. i can't get into even numbers now either; i feel like i'm locked on odds. i've started
you left the door unlocked
doing it more with my car too. i have one of those car locks where it honks when it locks and i had to manually shut that off because i don't want the neighbors to get mad that i have to do it seven times. the shooting really made it way worse. i've had severe paranoia since, and if i don't lock the door under those conditions, i truly believe that something bad will happen. i literally will be halfway into my drive going to campus and i'll
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
think 'i don't remember locking the door' and the intrusive thoughts have gotten so bad that i will physically start to feel ill because i keep thinking that i didn't actually lock the door, that i forgot, and that someone watched me leave the apartment and somehow knows i forgot to lock it and will go inside and either hurt my cat or hide until i get back. i've been checking the apartment a lot more too - behind doors, under beds, everything. i don't know how to fix this.
october 12th, 2024
it's been almost a month since the last time i wrote anything down so i think i'm due another update. nothing in the apartment really looks any better. and it really sucks to say that. my incessant need to have everything perfect reached a boiling point where i literally don't have the kitchen cabinets full of anything. we've been getting paper and foam plates and saving utensils we get from restarurants and fast food - where we usually eat from - and using them because the two plate sets that we have are my girlfriend's mom's wedding gift, which i've really been trying to not have to use if i can help it, and the other being one she got from someone once. i can't eat from them because i want to get new ones that match the kitchen better, but the kitchen isn't even done so i don't even know what to get. on top of that, the cabinets are so old that i don't want to put anything in them yet but i don't know what to do about it. they sprayed it white with the doors on so when you open the door, there's a line edge of brown wood and the rest is just poorly painted white. i wanted to put up some sort of vinyl but i don't know how to be able to do that without having to overlap. and then there's the hinges, painted, squeaking, and i want to change them so bad but i'd have to get them in bulk because one set is about $3 to $4 and if i changed the kitchen, i'd have to change the bathrooms too or they wouldn't match, and i have no time to do any of this - i'm so busy with production that it's all i do now. i have four jobs. i'm hitting 12 to 15 hours a week on one of them, let alone altogether while production is rocking my shit, just to come home to a mess that i'm fully responsible for, that i'm putting my girlfriend through now, and it makes me feel so much guilt and it's fucking paralyzing to think about but even with everything crashing down, i can't fucking put some plates in the cabinet because the cabinets are old and that will contaminate the plates. so i sit here, i use things, i wash them, and i put them back in the box i used to move them into this apartment when i moved it.
october 15th, 2024
i have too much shit and i don't know what to do with everything. i don't want to throw them away - some of it i really like still, some my parents got me, some i've saved for so long that i can't let go of it, but i literally don't know where to put half my things. i lived in an apartment double this size and i need to realize that. i can't find places to put half of this shit.
october 19th, 2024
i put up the shoe shelves today. they were sitting in the office room for so long that i almost forgot about it. i'm not sure if i like them there though. i'll let it sit for a bit to see how i feel.
are you letting it sit for a bit because you want to or because you can't set everything up yet?
november 8th, 2024
i've got the corner set up better now! i've been racking my brain on how to incorporate this light that my mom got me and i decided to use it in the bedroom somehow - with me using it as a wax melter too - but it got way too hot on the nightstand. i'm really happy with this idea instead. it also gave me a spot to put the big wine bottle. and, i've used one of the four sections of the shoe shelves i built as a shelf. i've been spending so much time building some sort of shelf to hold the playstation and i kept just reinforcing it to make it feel safer, but that just added more weight and this and that, and then i just, tried to use those, and it honestly worked. so i put this on the other side to balance out the TV in the middle, and i think it looks good so far.
november 27th, 2024
the bedroom is coming along still! i've got a bunch of stuff configured how i like it, and i think it's coming together. i know i missed the halloween party timeslot i had set, but it's okay. i was trying to do all that while being a lead in a movie. i think that was too much for me.
december 16th, 2024
this is going to be the stupidest thing ever but, whenever i'm watching a movie, or show, or even youtube video now, i'm always finding myself looking at how they live. it's not on purpose and it literally makes me feel gutted sometimes to see something where the place it all neat and set up and it always makes me realize i just can't do it. i can't even be mad at movies or shows - they're sets, but i've been watching a lot of cooking videos and the kitchens are always so pretty. when they need a cutting board, it's always there. they never have to go looking for it, or they never have to keep it somewhere in a box so dust doesn't get on it because then, i'll have to clean it again before using it, and then i'm reconsidering even using it and then, i just don't cook. i'm so envious of them and i physically, mentally, and everything in between, cannot figure out what is wrong with me.