september 7th, 2024
i'm not doing well in production at all. it feels like getting the three day weekend for labor fucked us over more than it helped because it just threw a wrench into the routine of what we had and i'm so overwhelmed with everything and nothing is making sense. i feel like emeryn and jay are constantly reconsidering if i should even be a lead. they haven't said anything but i can feel it. i've always thought jay thought that i didn't fully deserve the position and frankly speaking, if she did, i don't know if i can blame her. i didn't work for it. that sense that i didn't earn it has always been there. i feel like i'm letting the team down. they're asking me for things to do and i can't tell them what to do because i don't know what to do, and any time i want to get on track of doing something, i can't stop finding little things that aren't perfect, so i have to stop everything and make it perfect first. i have remade the fucking folder system three fucking times. i constantly find something wrong with it and i can't just fix it when i see something it wrong - i have to restart. it's just the remnants of that old flaw will stick around if i don't fully deep clean it, scrubbing it off till it's nothing to start anew. i'm fucking losing my mind with this mentality that i have to start over or that it's gross and disgusting and i'm every restart, every mistake i find and curse my way back to square one - my team is sitting there, waiting for me to finish everything but i can't pull myself together to tell them that, because it sounds insane to go up to them and tell them i have to redo the file structure because the last one was contaminated, that's actually insane to say out loud. and i know that. but i still can't stop thinking it, and doing it all over again. it's september and i'm not even done with my bedroom because i'm restarting projects as soon as i find a flaw in them, and i don't know who to talk to about it because i genuinely cannot say these words out loud or people will think i'm crazy.
september 10th, 2024
i'm getting worse with the numeric stuff. i used to only twist the key in the main door key lock twice before being satisfied, but it just keeps getting higher and higher. it went to
you left the door unlocked
three, then five, and i'm on seven now. i can't get into even numbers now either; i feel like i'm locked on odds. i've started
you left the door unlocked
doing it more with my car too. i have one of those car locks where it honks when it locks and i had to manually shut that off because i don't want the neighbors to get mad that i have to do it seven times. the shooting really made it way worse. i've had severe paranoia since, and if i don't lock the door under those conditions, i truly believe that something bad will happen. i literally will be halfway into my drive going to campus and i'll
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
you left the door unlocked
think 'i don't remember locking the door' and the intrusive thoughts have gotten so bad that i will physically start to feel ill because i keep thinking that i didn't actually lock the door, that i forgot, and that someone watched me leave the apartment and somehow knows i forgot to lock it and will go inside and either hurt my cat or hide until i get back. i've been checking the apartment a lot more too - behind doors, under beds, everything. i don't know how to fix this.
october 12th, 2024
it's been almost a month since the last time i wrote anything down so i think i'm due another update. nothing in the apartment really looks any better. and it really sucks to say that. my incessant need to have everything perfect reached a boiling point where i literally don't have the kitchen cabinets full of anything. we've been getting paper and foam plates and saving utensils we get from restarurants and fast food - where we usually eat from - and using them because the two plate sets that we have are my girlfriend's mom's wedding gift, which i've really been trying to not have to use if i can help it, and the other being one she got from someone once. i can't eat from them because i want to get new ones that match the kitchen better, but the kitchen isn't even done so i don't even know what to get. on top of that, the cabinets are so old that i don't want to put anything in them yet but i don't know what to do about it. they sprayed it white with the doors on so when you open the door, there's a line edge of brown wood and the rest is just poorly painted white. i wanted to put up some sort of vinyl but i don't know how to be able to do that without having to overlap. and then there's the hinges, painted, squeaking, and i want to change them so bad but i'd have to get them in bulk because one set is about $3 to $4 and if i changed the kitchen, i'd have to change the bathrooms too or they wouldn't match, and i have no time to do any of this - i'm so busy with production that it's all i do now. i have four jobs. i'm hitting 12 to 15 hours a week on one of them, let alone altogether while production is rocking my shit, just to come home to a mess that i'm fully responsible for, that i'm putting my girlfriend through now, and it makes me feel so much guilt and it's fucking paralyzing to think about but even with everything crashing down, i can't fucking put some plates in the cabinet because the cabinets are old and that will contaminate the plates. so i sit here, i use things, i wash them, and i put them back in the box i used to move them into this apartment when i moved it.
october 15th, 2024
i have too much shit and i don't know what to do with everything. i don't want to throw them away - some of it i really like still, some my parents got me, some i've saved for so long that i can't let go of it, but i literally don't know where to put half my things. i lived in an apartment double this size and i need to realize that. i can't find places to put half of this shit.
october 19th, 2024
i put up the shoe shelves today. they were sitting in the office room for so long that i almost forgot about it. i'm
august 14th, 2024
there was a shooting at my apartment last night. i was on the phone with my dad when it happened. i thought they were fireworks and i saw my girlfriend run into every room and turn off every light. we closed all the blinds, pulled all the curtains, i got off the phone with my dad as soon as i could without telling him what happened because i knew it would send them both into a panic. my girlfriend got on a police radar radio livestream thing on youtube, and we listened, couped up in our apartment, checking to make sure everything was locked. it was a 15 year old boy. from what i've seen and heard, it happened next to the bushes by the office. the people who did it ran away, but the cops and medics showed up fast. we peeked through the blinds to see the chaos unfold, trying to not look too much. who i'm assuming was the family, came out and i heard them screaming. the tapes went up pretty fast, locking down the place. i've never been so close to something like this before. i keep thinking about what would've happened if i was out there. i take the trash out later at night, and i had trash to take out too. the bin would've been maybe 30 feet from where the kid got shot. we were listening to the police radios, lights turned off, huddled up in bed, and i heard one cop say something to another. i wasn't sure what they said, but it just, sounded bad. i heard someone say they're walking up to them now and we knew what it was about. i've never heard a mother scream like that before. our windows are fully shut and it stuck in our room, and i just heard her screaming and crying. we knew he didn't make it by that point.
august 16th, 2024
there was a section to the right side of the laundry room that had this ugly wiring inset in the wall, with a plate on top of it, and i've been eyeing it for a few days now, trying to figure out if i can use that space for something, and i finally did something about it today. it's so weird because i was at work at the wood shop and i just, started building something for it. i had a vague idea of it but i never drew any plans out on paper; all i did was measure that plate and get to work building something that was bigger to cover it, and it actually turned out pretty good. comparing this to the shoe shelves, i took at least a week to plan that out, draw it out, take measurements over and over again, but i just built this in a day. i don't know what's going on it yet - just laundry stuff, i know, but i have no set rules. and i think that's okay. the only thing i purposefully built was the little box to hold the lint shaver. oh, and looking at the pictures i took, i also need to mention that i wrapped the wire shelves that were already there in shelf liner. they were so dirty from before that i couldn't even wipe them clean, and since i want to put some fabric stuff on there, i know those would've got dirty if i didn't cover it up. i would buy new shelves and install them, like i did at the old apartment, but i don't have the money for that right now.
